I am not one of those people. In reality, those people probably don't even exist. They are a figment of my imagination, conjured up by my own insecurities. But, whatever, I'm still not one of them. I'm more likely to be found wandering aimlessly in the fog.
Example: My Terrible Taste in Men. Since the beginning of noticing boys, I had a type. Brooding. Dripping with teenage angst. Definitely guitar playing. From seventh grade through my college years, I chronically had a crush on some long-haired, flannel clad, artistic type. I was sure it was meant to be. Someone out there was sure to write songs about me and get matching tattoos. This probably tells you a lot about the person I thought I was. The real me isn't edgy. Or trendy. Or even ironically uncool. Just actually uncool.
There have been times when I have been unclear about who I really am, and the things I wanted at those times have been so wrong for me. I'm thankful no one ever got matching tattoos with me. I'm so glad I didn't get what I wanted.
I'm glad God showed me what I needed, because He knows me better than I know myself. The part of me that hoped for a rebel in a band would have never chosen my husband, the plaid-wearing accountant from Iowa. What I thought I wanted, who I thought I was... was wrong.
I had no idea that this man would be the best husband for me; that he would temper my extremes and keep our family moving forward. I had no idea that he would be such a great dad. I had no idea that he would continue to surprise me by the way he lets God lead him. He has never had long hair. He has never played guitar. He will not get matching tattoos with me (yet). He is so very different from what I thought I wanted, but our relationship is so much greater than I would have imagined. All of that superficial garbage was never really what my heart wanted. I am so thankful that when I am unclear about myself, God knows exactly who I am.
Maybe it's okay to be unclear about what our future looks like. Maybe instead of spending all of our energy deciding what we want-- we should focus more on who we are. For me, that means offering what I think is best up to God, because He knows what's best for me. My plans are always a dull, cheap imitation to the treasures God has planned for me. I'm not worried about a hi-def picture of what I want. I'm hoping that God will keep working on my heart to shape my desires into His.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
Psalm 139: 1-4
Or... read all of Psalm 139... because it gets better