I’ve been given a new perspective on waiting. I believe I am in a season of waiting. We are waiting for God’s plan to unfold to see if and when we will add another person to our family. There are lots of us out there. I know a bunch of people who are waiting to see if and how their families might grow. Some have been waiting for years. Some are newly waiting and talk about their struggles with apologetic tones, somehow feeling like they haven’t earned the right to feel disheartened. I even have moments where I forget we are adopting, that someday there will be a whole new person in our lives, and then feel strangely guilty for the moments when I let it slip my mind.
The thing for me is this: I am not sure that I’ve ever had to wait for anything in my whole life. Yes, I’ve had to wait in line at the grocery store and stare and Kim Kardashian’s face on a magazine. I’ve never really had a whole season of waiting in my life. I got married in my mid 20’s. I was offered a job before my internship ended. We welcomed two boys before we knew it. For this next chapter, it seems the brakes are on.
My inner Veruca Salt bubbles up to the surface and I WANT IT NOW rings louder than I’d like to admit. When something is beyond my grasp or control I’d like to say that I handle things with grace and maturity, but that hasn’t been proving to be true. I look for far-fetched solutions. I obsess. I worry. Sometimes I pout. Because, this is a good plan, right? It’s not like my great desire is to be a crack dealer. But I’ve been wondering lately if it’s not really about my plans at all.
In my morning devotions a few weeks ago, I read this:
“What is God doing in the here and now? He is employing the difficulties of life as tools of grace to produce character in you that would not grow any other way. So your trials are not a sign that God has forgotten you or is being unfaithful to his promises. Rather, they stand as a reminder that he is committed to his grace and will not forsake it-- it will complete its work. No, he’s not exercising his power to make your life easy. No, he’s not at work trying to deliver your particular definition of happiness. He’s giving you much more than that-- eternally faithful, forgiving, and transforming grace.” (New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp; emphasis, mine)
I believe, in this season of waiting, God is working on me. He has something that he’s completing in me. This time isn’t a mistake. It’s not silence. It’s an opportunity for God’s grace to soak into the deep places, to heal hurts, to cultivate growth in me. It’s is not time lost.
Waiting is about being expectant. It’s about looking to what is ahead. Because I know that God is good, I know that His plans are good. Those plans might not be the plans that I make. That is tough to swallow sometimes. God doesn’t work on my timeline. He doesn’t work out His plans to meet my specifications. I believe God led us on this adoption journey, but I don’t know how God will work. But I know that He is working.
I had an awesome conversation last weekend with one of our adoption caseworkers. She shared with me some amazing new things that our agency is working on. Partnerships that will provide more opportunities for parents to be connected with kids who need families. She talked about babies being placed with families. There is not silence. So, so many things are happening. God is moving in mighty ways in so many lives.
I am working on learning to wait and live in expectation of God’s goodness. I am working on not being blinded by my own plans and seeing the miracles unfolding around me every day.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.