I’m not sure where this post is going to go. I’m feeling a little swirly about life lately. Yes, I said swirly. I have no other more accurate words. I’ve been pushed and pulled and turned around. I’ve been restless and discontent. I’ve spent whole afternoons entertaining all my what ifs. I’ve been so caught in my own head that I’ve just been spinning around. Swirly.
Adoption is not for the faint of heart. I’ve heard people say that. I made an arrogant assumption that I was definitely… what is the opposite of faint of heart? A risk-taker? Someone with courage? Well, whatever it means, I am humbly willing to say that I am firmly in the “faint of heart” category. This is hard.
Maybe because our biological sons came without planning. We didn’t wait for them. We were more like... surprised... by them. We didn’t even ask for them, they were just given. But this whole adoption thing. It’s waiting and second guessing. Praying. Wondering. Hoping. Doubting.
Last week a birth mother looked at our profile book. She took it home, spent some time looking at our pictures. She read the words I typed. She saw our family, our boys playing in the backyard. And she chose to meet with another family. Not us.
It is so easy for me to feel like the kid who didn’t get picked for the team. It is so easy for me to wonder about the words we wrote in the book. It’s so easy to turn this all into a big rejection.
But that’s not really what this is all about. When I zoom out, back up, and look at this bigger picture, I know that it’s not just about us. It’s not about our book, the photos or the phrases we chose. The truth is, we weren’t rejected. We just weren’t the right family.
God said no. I want to throw a tantrum. I want to stomp my feet. I want to scream out, “BUT WHY?!” I want to demand answers. (I am feeling much more sympathetic toward my boys these days.) But I know that God’s plans are better than my plans. I am leaning into that promise with all I’ve got. His perspective is wide and mind is narrow. He sees so much more than I can.
This isn’t about winning a popularity contest. It’s not about a good first impression. It’s about God doing work in us.
This was in my morning devotions today:
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
Steadfastness. Maybe that’s the opposite of being “faint of heart”. I know for sure I’d never describe myself with a word like steadfast. I’m more like… easily distracted. Swirly. Perhaps God is growing my faith, giving me opportunities to trust His plans and gain some steadfastness.
We will see. For now, my job is to just keep trusting.
Adoption is not for the faint of heart. I’ve heard people say that. I made an arrogant assumption that I was definitely… what is the opposite of faint of heart? A risk-taker? Someone with courage? Well, whatever it means, I am humbly willing to say that I am firmly in the “faint of heart” category. This is hard.
Maybe because our biological sons came without planning. We didn’t wait for them. We were more like... surprised... by them. We didn’t even ask for them, they were just given. But this whole adoption thing. It’s waiting and second guessing. Praying. Wondering. Hoping. Doubting.
Last week a birth mother looked at our profile book. She took it home, spent some time looking at our pictures. She read the words I typed. She saw our family, our boys playing in the backyard. And she chose to meet with another family. Not us.
It is so easy for me to feel like the kid who didn’t get picked for the team. It is so easy for me to wonder about the words we wrote in the book. It’s so easy to turn this all into a big rejection.
But that’s not really what this is all about. When I zoom out, back up, and look at this bigger picture, I know that it’s not just about us. It’s not about our book, the photos or the phrases we chose. The truth is, we weren’t rejected. We just weren’t the right family.
God said no. I want to throw a tantrum. I want to stomp my feet. I want to scream out, “BUT WHY?!” I want to demand answers. (I am feeling much more sympathetic toward my boys these days.) But I know that God’s plans are better than my plans. I am leaning into that promise with all I’ve got. His perspective is wide and mind is narrow. He sees so much more than I can.
This isn’t about winning a popularity contest. It’s not about a good first impression. It’s about God doing work in us.
This was in my morning devotions today:
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
Steadfastness. Maybe that’s the opposite of being “faint of heart”. I know for sure I’d never describe myself with a word like steadfast. I’m more like… easily distracted. Swirly. Perhaps God is growing my faith, giving me opportunities to trust His plans and gain some steadfastness.
We will see. For now, my job is to just keep trusting.
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